Grandia III (PS2)
The sarcastic gamer strikes again! (the first one was on Drakengard II on a forum, but I figured if I'm going to be going sarcastic all-out mode I should post on my blog too).
Taking the description for Grandia III and commenting on it.
Romp through vibrant and colorful fantasy locales and natural environments
Because of course, all the other games provide is with dull, black-and-white fantasy locales with dead trees, the environments being totally synthetic-looking as we see concrete (it's gray, so everything seems like concrete) branches and grass and trees. They fail to point out that half the time you're probably not going to be romping through these environments, instead running into the invisible wall in a dumb fashion as you attempt to actually romp through those woods.
Stunning cinematic sequences are animated by hand without the use of motion capture
Because obviously every computer graphic animation in the game industry has used motion capture. That's obviously why those damn Final Fantasy animations look real! Honest! Key word in the sentence, though, is stunning, as the CG sequences will seriously knock you out........ due to boredom.
Scan surroundings to look for search points or treasure chests
In an amazingly novel idea, we have decided to place something called treasure chests randomly throughout the world, because anyone who's taken a stroll would know there're random treasure chests with incredible items all over our world, too! Those cunning people that hide their weapons and items must place them in golden boxes that shine brighter than the seven seas, after all.
Ply the skies by plane to journey from one place to another
In an astonishing turn of events, we've realized that, in the end, a plane is a much quicker medium of transportation than running, using a car (or any fantasy equivalent) or using a ship (see car). No, smashing the plane into particularly tough bosses even though it would save the world is not permitted.
Use your sword in the "random encounter free" field to destroy objects or stun enemies before attacking
Taking note of the agonized screams whenever people want to walk from city A to city B without having to fight vicious level 99 bunnies just because you want to save your game, we have coined the term "random encounter free," regardless of the fact that countless RPGs in the past have used this concept anyways. Oh, and, since simply walking across these worlds is boring, we're letting you swing your sword, too. But you can only destroy boxes and the likes, because it would be lame if you chopped your way through a forest.
Seamless transition from field screen to battles with over-the-top animations
Yes... I'm pretty sure fading for five seconds *cough FF cough* counts among "seamless" since you never really see any edges (aside from the ones around your TV box), so we can take that with a grain of salt. It's the other part I love. "Over-the-top" animations. Yes, they seem to understand well that these damn annoying animations every single time you get into battle do tend to be "over-the-top" and quite unnecessary.
Semi real-time battle system allows for fast paced action and strategizing with a Command Wheel that breaks the RPG mold of typical command text windows
Instead, it looks more like an awkward MMORPG using less buttons because these game controllers are totally horrible for modern-day RPG games. That being said, with the rate MMORPGs fly off the shelves, you can't go wrong.
Perform and link up Aerial Combo attacks for massive damage
OMFGWTFBBQ! You can juggle! In an RPG! Actually the game devs prefer fighting games to these boring-ass RPGs, so they wanted something to do in the meantime. So they programmed this awesome fighting game called Alleys of Grandia III. Great juggling action. But we're obviously making an RPG, not a fighting game. Since we had these moves all thought out and we had animation for them, we figured, hey, why not, let's add them in! We don't really guarantee you ever needing to use them, though. But we needed an excuse to give to our bosses for making those moves and animations...
Multiple auto-battle settings for each character dictate fighting strategy in addition, utilize the Strategy Advice System for tips during critical moments in battle
We think the AI will blow you away with their unintelligence. After all, it's artificial. Your characters' AIs will be hardly any different from that of the monsters, because we have to make it difficult, and it'd be unfair if monsters were ridiculously stupid in comparison. Also, in an added twist, we're going to give you unwanted advice during critical moments in battle, so right when you're about to die, even though you have the option to "block" the boss' next attack, we'll surprise you with a pop-up screen saying "Careful! Block so you don't die!" that covers up half the screen and won't go away with a simple button press. In fact, don't quote us on it, but we might even have made it so it goes: "Careful!" end box. "Block so you don't" end box. "die!" end box. See? Three whole boxes of dialog!
Control conversation flow during special event scenes
Along the lines of dialog, we get to allow you to... skip through dialog! Instead of sitting there for minutes as the highly paid (minimum wage) voice actors recite their lines in a boring fashion, we've exclusively programmed in a button to let you skip to the next dialog box, where you, once again, have that option!
Taking the description for Grandia III and commenting on it.
Romp through vibrant and colorful fantasy locales and natural environments
Because of course, all the other games provide is with dull, black-and-white fantasy locales with dead trees, the environments being totally synthetic-looking as we see concrete (it's gray, so everything seems like concrete) branches and grass and trees. They fail to point out that half the time you're probably not going to be romping through these environments, instead running into the invisible wall in a dumb fashion as you attempt to actually romp through those woods.
Stunning cinematic sequences are animated by hand without the use of motion capture
Because obviously every computer graphic animation in the game industry has used motion capture. That's obviously why those damn Final Fantasy animations look real! Honest! Key word in the sentence, though, is stunning, as the CG sequences will seriously knock you out........ due to boredom.
Scan surroundings to look for search points or treasure chests
In an amazingly novel idea, we have decided to place something called treasure chests randomly throughout the world, because anyone who's taken a stroll would know there're random treasure chests with incredible items all over our world, too! Those cunning people that hide their weapons and items must place them in golden boxes that shine brighter than the seven seas, after all.
Ply the skies by plane to journey from one place to another
In an astonishing turn of events, we've realized that, in the end, a plane is a much quicker medium of transportation than running, using a car (or any fantasy equivalent) or using a ship (see car). No, smashing the plane into particularly tough bosses even though it would save the world is not permitted.
Use your sword in the "random encounter free" field to destroy objects or stun enemies before attacking
Taking note of the agonized screams whenever people want to walk from city A to city B without having to fight vicious level 99 bunnies just because you want to save your game, we have coined the term "random encounter free," regardless of the fact that countless RPGs in the past have used this concept anyways. Oh, and, since simply walking across these worlds is boring, we're letting you swing your sword, too. But you can only destroy boxes and the likes, because it would be lame if you chopped your way through a forest.
Seamless transition from field screen to battles with over-the-top animations
Yes... I'm pretty sure fading for five seconds *cough FF cough* counts among "seamless" since you never really see any edges (aside from the ones around your TV box), so we can take that with a grain of salt. It's the other part I love. "Over-the-top" animations. Yes, they seem to understand well that these damn annoying animations every single time you get into battle do tend to be "over-the-top" and quite unnecessary.
Semi real-time battle system allows for fast paced action and strategizing with a Command Wheel that breaks the RPG mold of typical command text windows
Instead, it looks more like an awkward MMORPG using less buttons because these game controllers are totally horrible for modern-day RPG games. That being said, with the rate MMORPGs fly off the shelves, you can't go wrong.
Perform and link up Aerial Combo attacks for massive damage
OMFGWTFBBQ! You can juggle! In an RPG! Actually the game devs prefer fighting games to these boring-ass RPGs, so they wanted something to do in the meantime. So they programmed this awesome fighting game called Alleys of Grandia III. Great juggling action. But we're obviously making an RPG, not a fighting game. Since we had these moves all thought out and we had animation for them, we figured, hey, why not, let's add them in! We don't really guarantee you ever needing to use them, though. But we needed an excuse to give to our bosses for making those moves and animations...
Multiple auto-battle settings for each character dictate fighting strategy in addition, utilize the Strategy Advice System for tips during critical moments in battle
We think the AI will blow you away with their unintelligence. After all, it's artificial. Your characters' AIs will be hardly any different from that of the monsters, because we have to make it difficult, and it'd be unfair if monsters were ridiculously stupid in comparison. Also, in an added twist, we're going to give you unwanted advice during critical moments in battle, so right when you're about to die, even though you have the option to "block" the boss' next attack, we'll surprise you with a pop-up screen saying "Careful! Block so you don't die!" that covers up half the screen and won't go away with a simple button press. In fact, don't quote us on it, but we might even have made it so it goes: "Careful!" end box. "Block so you don't" end box. "die!" end box. See? Three whole boxes of dialog!
Control conversation flow during special event scenes
Along the lines of dialog, we get to allow you to... skip through dialog! Instead of sitting there for minutes as the highly paid (minimum wage) voice actors recite their lines in a boring fashion, we've exclusively programmed in a button to let you skip to the next dialog box, where you, once again, have that option!
posted by Mary Celeste @ 10:33 pm
2 comments
